OOOOOOklahoma

The drive here was so good. The kids did great. Now that we are here, it isn't going so smoothly. Hunter is all kinds of crabby. He's my homebody, and being away is hard on him. He just likes to be home, sleeping in his own bed, sticking to his own schedule. He's so out of his comfort zone. Which translates to I'm crabby because I'm tired and out of my comfort zone too.

I will be happy to make it to IA, but I'm not sure it will be any smoother then. At least there I can leave the kids with mom and hide in the basement and sleep.

The kids are tired of being cramped in a hotel room, and need to get out and run. I can't wait for them to be able to go play in the snow.

Can't wait for Christmas, can't wait for New Years, can't wait to go home.

aahhh, motherhood

Last night we were watching Austin play basketball, he shot a 3 pointer BTW. At halftime Hunter started coughing. He's had this gross cough for a couple days now and at least once a day he coughs so hard it makes him gag and then he pukes. Alas, at halftime, he pukes all over himself and all over me. What to do? I take him into the locker room, clean up as good as we can, make Savannah go tell Austin we will be waiting in the car for him, and stink up the car with our puke covered clothes.

Believe you me, I immediately called Ben and told him after all this, plus the 10 hr drive to OK ALONE with all 3 kids, he owes me a Hawaiian Vacation.

Maybe that will teach him NOT to leave me home alone.

an experiment

Right around Halloween I decided I would try something different. Normally, we have ceiling fans, lights, etc... on around the house at any given time. I decided I would make a conscious effort to turn off all the unnecessary uses of electricity in my house and see if I can see a difference in my Vectren bill.

Our heat is set at 65 (except from 10pm to 7am when I bump it up to 68, Hunter doesn't sleep with blankets and I feel guilty if he wakes up cold). I have been a little OCD about turning things off constantly. Our bill is the exact amount as it was this time last year. I'm not seeing the payoff.

Is all the extra effort to be "green" really worth it? I'm not seeing an effect in my checkbook.

Ice storm 2010

This is what we woke up to this morning. Not terribly bad as ice storms go, but it was enough to keep me in the house all day. No school again, obviously. It was so pretty.

Compared to the ice storm of 2009, this was nothing. But for me, it was enough.

b ball

Both kids are playing basketball and games started last weekend. They both did great. Savannah made 2 baskets and was so proud of herself. Austin still shys away from shooting the ball, but he is a good defensive player and is a good team player.

snow day

Actually, tomorrow will be a snow day.

Because they have already cancelled school tomorrow, the kids got to stay up and watch the latest Indiana Jones movie and I made up my first EVER batch of cinnamon rolls with my new Kitchen Aid mixer. I feel so modern and yet so pioneerish at the same time. Thank goodness there is no school, otherwise the kids wouldn't be up to enjoy them fresh from the oven. And what a great send off to Ben who has to go back to OK tomorrow.

YUMMY!

Cutest mom and daughter

This duo stole the show at this years Christmas Variety show.

***click on the title of this post to see the video.***

It's a...girl!

We're very excited to find out its a girl. Savannah was thrilled. She couldn't stop smiling. Austin said that is what he had been hoping for. Ben and I are happy and feel like our family will be complete.

My cup runneth over.

half way cooked

Like many of the turkeys I have cooked in the past, I am slightly underdone, but I look like the popper could POP any minute.

I'm not complaining, really. It is good to feel this tiny bean kick and move and it is making me start to anticipate meeting him/HER and being able to kiss those sweet newborn cheeks and watch my older kiddos fall head over heels in love with someone new.

We find out Monday morning what we it is, boy or girl. The names have been decided on (pretty much) and now all we have to is wait. I'm no good at waiting.

Savannah has already warned us that if its not a girl, she will throw the baby out the window of the car as we are leaving the hospital. For the babies sake, I hope Savannah gets her sister. Either way, I can't wait to know, to start planning and to start to allow myself to fall in love.

keeps me on my toes

At 12:20, I finally decided I could no longer put off showering, so I ask Savannah to watch Hunter while I jump in the shower for 5 minutes.

At 12:30 I come out, dressed with hair in a towel, and Hunter has gotten into the drawer with the wax paper, Reynolds wrap, etc... and unrolled them all over the kitchen and dining room. As I am picking that up, he goes into the office and dumps the pencil sharpener clippings all over the carpet and proceeds to stomp in them. As I get the vacuum he reaches up onto the counter, graps the popcorn bowl full of seeds and dumps them all over the kitchen floor. After sweeping them up, I find him playing in the bathroom, grab him, wash his hands, and put him to bed.

It is now 1:14pm, I'm exhausted. My house is now messier than it was before I showered, my hair has dried CRAZY in this towel and I need a nap. Good times.

too many goodbyes

After putting Savannah to bed tonight, she came back down as I was sitting here at the computer with tears in her eyes.

I asked her what was wrong and she said "I've had to say too many goodbye's today and it is making me sad. No one should have to say this many goodbye's", she said.

I couldn't agree more. She had to say bye to Mina's family, Nana, Kasey, Micah and Amber, and Ben leaves again tomorrow for OK. Its alot and I feel her pain.

We had a wonderful visit. I wish I was at the top of my game, but I had a moment of weakness that has really set me back. This dang Nothing, I will beat you. You won't rob me or my family of anymore memories. Two steps forward, one step back.

Fancy Nancy!!!!!

Today was character day at school. The kids were suppose to dress as their favorite story book character. Austin must be getting too old to enjoy this as he wore a red shirt and jeans and went as Flat Stanley. I thought he should be himself and tell everyone he was Freckle Juice,but he didn't agree.

Savannah,who is currently in LOVE with all things Fancy Nancy, went as, you guessed it, Fancy Nancy. I just couldn't resist. SSSSOOOOOO cute!!!

last weekend

We had Ben's parents come and visit last weekend and they brought along our niece, Megan. She was such a wonderful help. I just can't say enough about how great she was with the kids. She played what they wanted to play, she let them boss her around (mostly Savannah), she played with Hunter, she helped me Christmas shop, she was a lifesaver and I love her. Thanks Megan for missing school and coming and spending time with us. Thanks Frank and Caroline for bringing her along, thanks Jodi and Chad for sharing her with us.

Can't wait

We were first introduced to the beauty and elegence that is The Nutcracker last year by our wonderful, more artistically educated friends and Savannah and I intend to make it a tradition.

I just ordered tickets for this years ballet and I can't wait!

Now what?

Well, I knew I needed to call my dr. and have her either up my happy meds or change them completely. After a lovely talk with my friend Brandy, I knew I needed to call. I had to pick Savannah up from school, so it would have to wait til later.

In the car, my cell phone rings, number unknown.

Me- Hello

caller- Hi Tanessa. This is so and so from Dr.OBGYN's office. I received a fax from your pharmacy for a refill of your Zoloft and wanted to check in with you to see how you were doing.

Me- (gasp). Really? Did someone call you and tell you I haven't been doing so well?

caller- No. I just saw this fax and felt like I should call.


Thanks to all of you who have praying on my behalf. I know so many of you have asked or thought, what can I do to help? I wish I had the answer. If I did, I would do it myself. Just keep me plugged into life. Call, stop by, ask me to lunch, park dates after school. Just don't give up on me.

The Nothing

Remember back to the movie The Neverending Story. Remember how the rockbiter described the Nothing? He said as it passed by it left nothing in its wake, not even a hole. A hole would be something. It left nothing.

That is the battle that has been raging inside me for months now. I have been taken over by the Nothing and I feel like I'm losing the battle. I don't have the words to describe my feelings because I don't really have any. Feelings that is.

I laid it all out to Ben last night and I actually felt better in doing so. I left like I wasn't all alone inside myself anymore, that maybe letting him share this would give me another person to fight the Nothing.

Its almost impossible to describe. But I will try.

I have no emotions. I care about little to nothing, I do what I absolutely have to each day and that wipes me out. I enjoy none of the things that I use to. I find myself withdrawing from my friends, family and my kids.

Then the guilt and shame takes over and I realize that I am failing. I'm not the mom, wife, friend, daughter, or sister I use to be. I miss her. I miss Tessie. I wonder where she is? Will she ever be able to find her way back? Is she lost forever? This pretend Tessie isn't cutting it. She's nothing compared to the Tessie I remember.

The shame. Oh the shame is the worst part of the Nothing. If I was battling cancer, I could shave my head and have all the support in the world. If I had diabetes I would haven't be ashamed to admit it. But the Nothing comes with labels, judgement, shame.

I live each day knowing that there is something inside of me that is robbing me of all the joy and happiness this life has to offer. I don't know how to fight it. I can't do it alone. I need to give it a voice, let it out and then maybe I can start to fight.

I never thought of all the bad things in this life that this would be my challenge. This is what I would have to learn to live with, balance, overcome. I feel so inadequate. So tired. So ashamed. So weak.

But there is a small voice in the back of my mind that whispers "keep trying, your doing great. Don't give up." That is what keeps me going. That is what has given me the courage to ask for help, to request your prayers on my behalf, to allow people to help me get back above water. The more people I have on my side, the weaker I hope the Nothing gets.

Please don't judge me. If you do, be gentle. I'm only human and its not very pretty in my shoes at the moment (even if the shoes themselves are pretty). Its so hard to write this, its so hard to admit to it, its so difficult to face, but the Lord didn't bless me with wonderful friends from all over if he didn't want me to lean on them when I am too weak to stand alone.

Football CHAMPS!!

Sing along with me--- We are the champions my friends! And we'll keep on fightin' til the end... Oh yea baby! Way to go Buccaneers!

WARNING- this is gross!!!!!

Savannah had a little accident yesterday and ended up cutting her big toe pretty good. We had a PA friend look at it and then we took her to the ER for some stitches. She was very brave. She was frightened about the idea of them "sewing her skin together", but once they started and she realized her toe was numb and she couldn't feel it, all was well.

She is doing good. It is still oozing and the dressing have to changed twice a day, but she is kinda loving the attention.

Do you ever...?

Do you ever find yourself in awe of the life you have,and of all the blessing that have been bestowed on you? Do you ever look at your husband and think, "DANG!!! I got soooo lucky"? Do you ever look at your children and have to hold back tears of joy at who they are becoming?

I'm having one of those days. Its good.

pumpkin patch

We had so much fun going to a REAL pumpkin patch. By real, I mean i wasn't in a parking lot. It was great. We did two corn mazes, played in the barn on hay bales, went down the barn slide, and looked at more pumpkins and gords than I ever knew existed. It was good to get out and feel the slightly cooler air. I love fall.

For Sam and Amy

These are the crafts I was telling you about. I hope you can see them well enough. There are 4 different aprons to choose from, 1. is pink and red 2. is red and black 3. is green and black 4. is green and red.

Pool Noodles???

What do your kids do with the pool noodles once the pools close??







Mine play noodle ball. Its much like baseball, only funnier.

then and now

How is that something the size of a sesame seed can change your life so drastically?



Now that baby is the size of a lime, I understand. My clothes are tight, I'm retaining alot of water, and all I want to do is sleep. But along with all my complaints and I have many, I have finally begun to feel excitement. Joy even.

These are a few of Hunter's favorite things

Oatmeal for breakfast, eaten with his hands, playing with the plunger, taking off his pants, climbing on everything (tv stand, kitchen table, desk, dressers), saying the word DOG, sucking on dirt clods, playing with the new toy he recently found between his legs, dancing, singing the oh, oh, oh oh, oh part from Single Ladies, eating crayons, drinking out of a straw, playing in the toilet, being alone in the garage and allowed to explore, opening the screen door to the back yard, being held, giving bear hugs to his family, eating Cinnamon toast crunch for a bedtime snack, eating all meals with a fork or spoon in his left hand while eating with his right, being involved in whatever Austin and Savannah are playing, pointing the WII remote at the tv and yelling, roaring like a tiger, getting out all the tupperware bowls and spitting in them so I have to wash them. eating bites of whatever I am eating, washing his "boy parts" in the bath, drinking out of a straw, remove the broom from its handle and walk around the house hitting things, playing at the park, and drinking apple juice.

Pageant Princess

One of the little townships around us had a "pageant" for their town's annual fire department fundraiser. Savannah "had to be in it". I was hesitant, but it seemed harmless. I'm glad it over, we will never be doing anything like this ever again, but we did have fun, It was a good reason to get all dolled up and spend an afternoon with just the girls. She did get a goodie bag and that made her feel like the winner. We went straight from the pageant to a football game where she proudly announced to everyone she had won. She didn't win, but she sure looked great. (What she meant is that she was the FIRST person in our family to do a pageant so that means she is the winner in our family.)

2 ingredient muffins

ingredients

18 ounces spice cake mix
15 ounces pumpkin (not pumpkin pie mix)


Directions:Prep Time: 5 mins
Total Time: 25 mins

Simply mix the pumpkin and the spice cake mix together with electric mixer until well combined. (At this point you may also want to throw in some nuts or raisins, if you like.).
Spoon into paper lined small muffin/cupcake tins, 2/3 full. (The batter is very thick and doesn't "settle", so you may wish to smooth the tops if you care what the finished product looks like!).
Bake at 350* 18-22 minutes or until a knife comes out clean.

These are so yummy and easy. I like to add dark chocolate chips and some nuts. They are perfect to take into the office, classroom, or when you go visiting teaching.

sparks flew

I plugged in my toaster, put in my bread, pushed down on the slot and SPARKS started to fly like a sparkler on the fourth of July. Its a good thing I didn't have curtains because I am sure they would have caught fire. It flipped the circuit in the garage and went out almost as quickly as it started but it was enough to make my heartbeat like crazy and make me scream.

Alas, I didn't get my toast. Its a good thing it was me and not Savannah. She tends to hover over the toaster while warming a poptart and that could have been devastating. (Almost as devastating as not getting my toast.)

a first for me.

I am in unchartered water. I haven't been able to exercise at night lately because I'm exhausted by 7pm.

I decided to break down and actually PAY for childcare at the gym for Hunter so I could go while Austin and Savannah were in school. The first day was fine. The second, he cried and today he screamed and cried and was inconsolable until I took him home. Normally I would just grin and bear it, but now that I am actually paying extra for him to be in the childwatch room, I feel guilty if I don't go everyday.

I am not sure how to acclimate him to this new environment. AAAHHH, the joys of motherhood.

P.S. YOu would think by my third I would know how to do this right?

I heart football season

This weekend kicked off a rather intense season for our kiddos. Austin is playing his first season of tackle football and Savannah is one of the cheerleaders for his team.

Austin loves it. It is incredibly demanding however. Practice three times a week for two hours, games on Saturday, and sometimes even during the week. He is very dedicated and it all paid off this past Saturday. Austin made an incredible tackle. He is playing both sides, but I think he likes defense best. This week is especially taxing,

Monday- team and individual pics 6:30
Tuesday- practice 5-7pm
Wednesday- game at 5:30pm
Thursday- practice 5-7pm
Friday- his only day off
Saturday- game at 3pm, then it all starts over next week.

Since I am Savannah's cheer coach, I get to decide when we practice. It isn't nearly that long. Maybe once a week for an hour. That is about as long as I can get them to concentrate and honestly, I'm tired and its about as long as I can stand it.

The season ends in mid October, but I am going to try and enjoy every minute of it.

Working hard...hardly working

Hunter LOVES his yellow dump truck. He loves to push it around, he loves to load dirt and other dirty stuff into the back and haul it around. He loves to be outside, doing anything that involves his yellow dump truck and dirt.

He especially loves to sit in the back of it after a long morning of playing and rest with a nice cold glass of water.

the call of the wild

I hear the call of biscuits and gravy. They are calling out to me, wooing me into their fattning deliciousness. Pleading for me to ingest them and allow them to make my already snug fitting pants tighter. Seranading me with their sausage filled smoothness. Whisperings from the biscuits moistness, seducing me with their chunky sausage bits.

Alas, I must resist.

But how??? How long must their call remain unanswered?? How long can I be expected to restrain myself??

It's too much...I must give in...but I can't...or can I??? or have I already and it wasn't enough?? Will it ever be enough??? NOOOOO...the voices, they are so loud...EAT ME!!!!

ugh

Did I mention how much I DON'T like being pregnant. Feeling like a sloth all the time, constant nausea (without the actual act of puking), constant yawning, falling further and further behind on my daily list of things to do. Feeling like an utter failure in every aspect of my life right now. Can't keep the house even reasonably clean, can't cook, can't stay on top of laundry, can't do my calling the way I know I need to, and the only thing that sounds good to eat is roast beef sandwiches. Gross, right?

Can you believe something the size of a lentil bean is capable of upsetting every aspect of your life? It's amazing.

Enough complaining, it makes me tired. I'm going to take a nap.

ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzz.....zzzzzzzzzzz....zzzzz

Big announcement!

So after what feels like months of not being sure what our future held for us, after many tears shed, after lots of time counseling with one another, after many uttered prayers, after all that, Ben finally officially turned down the Pennsylvania job.

"WHAT???" you ask. Didn't he do that in May? They (people at work) have consistently been bringing it up to him since May and he finally told them we would not be going. I know this was a big thing for him. I know he wants that position, but its the wrong place. We have faith that Heavenly Father will let us know when the right time and place open up. Until then, we get to stay put for a little bit longer.

Which is really nice, because now that we are expecting another baby,I don't want to have to try and sell my house. If you would have told me after Savannah was born that I would be pregnant a total of 5 times, and four years in a row, I would have told you to lay off the crack. But that is exactly the case. I was preggers for 8 months of 2008 (2 separate pregnancies), 5 months of 2009, I will be preggers 5 months out of 2010 and 4 months out of 2011.

Holy crap, my poor body. Will it ever bounce back? Will I ever recover? Who knows, but I can tell you now, its been worth it. Every stretch mark, every extra pound, every wrinkle, every time I try to put on my wedding ring and it STILL doesn't fit, every time I have to buy new maternity clothes, I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm so blessed.

My cup runneth over.

Not bad for 32

I feel like I am getting back to me. In May I had a friend put in some highlights for the summer, but I really hated them and couldn't wait for fall to go back to brown. I could wait no longer and finally bought a box and did it myself. I trimmed my bangs and I'm finally starting to recognize myself again. I also experimented with some different hair cuts, but realize that collar length with side swept bangs is how I like myself most. Welcome back momma, its been too long. :)

This is not the best pic, but it will do.

First Day of school pics

I let the kids take pics of each other on the first day of school and this is what I found on our camera.